I don't care who will read this and who knows me but yet this words have to be said.


  I'm lonely and my mind is always foggy and dark. I have no energy or will to survive anymore. 
Whenever I try to fight with this crazy darkness in my mind I go deeper and deeper and now I feel that I will never be able to release myself,not while I'm alive. Yes,this are the words of a person who thinks about her death every day. I am,what people call,suicidal.  I asked for help too many times and yet nobody hears my desperate calls. I fight alone with monsters that I will never be able to defeat. I know I will never win and yet I fight every day.   
You see this smile of mine? Yes,last night I went to sleep crying for no reason. 
  You think I'm rude and moody? Yes,again I had a fight with all my family and I was called a failure.
  You see me sad? Yes,again I was told that I'm useless. 
AND YET I SMILE.  
How dare you think I am ok just because I show a fake smile?
 How dare you tell me I should have more fun when every time I do something you tell me I should stop?
 I'm tired and this is another scream for help. I am lonely,I have no help....the ones who should always help me failed again and called me crazy.
 I have no friends, my family just hates me and yet I fight for another day. 
  I have the tablets next to me,I could take them and go to sleep forever,such a romantic way of dealing with death,right? But I'm not afraid and I want to fight again so once again those tablets will stay there,just to remind me how strong I am. I write this letter just as a reminder to myself.
 I should not quit,not yet. I have to fight and win another day. 

Letter to my lost love.

  This letter won't have a destination or a normal start. This letter is just....a never ending story of love. 

 We met in April,I still remember the first time we talked and my first impression about you. I though you are so dumb and cute but I couldn't find anything interesting about you. You were trying to help yet you were asking me to help you. I left home smiling because of your clumsiness. Days were passing by,never thinking to much about you,my work was always on top and you were just...a shadow. 

  But one day,by the end of May you made me fall. It was so sudden and I had no idea what hit me. I tried to hide it and thought I was just crazy but my craziness became bigger and I had to say it. I had to say the words,I had to tell the truth,first to myself. I LOVE HIM. Yes,I was confused and scared. I was hoping it was just a joke and it will go away soon. 

  Yet weeks past and I found the courage to talk to you. At first it was boring discussion,I thought I was going crazy so I said it to you,I like you. 

 Amazingly you decided to keep talking to me like nothing happened. Actually after I said the words somehow we became friends.  But I wasn't really happy with your answer so after a few months I decided to say it more clearly so I gave you the chance to choose if you want to be with me or become strangers. Again your answer shocked me,you just asked me to be friends. I still remember how angry I was before your answer and how I started to cry. 

  Even so months passed and we talked more and more and more. But I was lying myself trying to be your friend. Even knowing that you will never be mine my feelings were strong. 

 You left,I was devastated and scared,I didn't knew what I should do. I was scared. 
   Months passed and we didn't met,3 months to be exactly. I started to miss your voice and I was trying to keep myself  somehow alive but I wasn't able to do anything like I had to. 
  After 3 months we met again,it was a lovely day and hearing you laughing was the best thing ever happened to me,you were laughing because of ME. By the end of the night you told me I'm cute and took me back to the train station and watched me while I was leaving. 
   I thought I was dreaming but it was so real,it hit me hard and my love became bigger for you. 
 But like every dream I had to wake up. And this was not a nice wake up moment. After 3 days you destroyed my soul when you got engaged and you were so happy. I could only pretend I am happy for you and you tried to make sure I was suffering like I was in hell telling me I should be the next one getting married. Why me? Why did YOU had to tell me that? Was I that horrible that you had to poison me with those words?! I cried,and cried and I felt the worst pain in my life. It was real pain,not just physical. My whole body was trembling. I tried to get away from you and decided to ignore you. 
  Weeks passed without talking with you,I even tried dating someone but of course I was still thinking about you. But I tried to run away from my feelings. I ended up like a little robot,I was only working and in my days off tried to get as drunk as possible but every time I was drunk I was thinking about you. But well,amazingly you started to talk with me. Weird things you said and I started to dream again. 
 Now I accepted my feeling and I just keep you as a friend,a friend I love more than I should but I;'m ok because at least I have you next to me. But something started to change. The way you talk to me is different sometimes and I wish to understand what's wrong with you. What do you want from me? Why is everyone telling me you like me,you are afraid to go out just with me? It was you who decided to get engaged,now why do you confuse me so much? 
 Last time we went out you were looking at me all the time and made me feel so weird but happy. That little chat we had and you laughing because of my clumsiness made my day and was so cute. so why me? Why do you now play this game? I love you!

  Seems like my love story won't ever have a finish and even if it's gonna have a finish is not gonna be a happy one. But I love and that makes me feel so alive. So Thank You. Even if you will never love me just having you as a friend will be enough and I don't regret anything. 

O zi in Manchester

Hello!
Dupa mult timp m-am gandit sa reincep sa scriu pe blog si sa sterg vechile postari
     Nu stiu daca ce scriu aici o sa fie vreodata citit de cineva sau voi tine totul pentru mine fara sa distribui,fara sa bat la cap pe cineva cu aberatiile mele. Vreau sa fie lumea mea,fara sa fiu judecata. Sa imi pot exprima bucuria fara sa para ca ma laud si tristetea fara sa dau impresia ca cer mila. Vreau sa fiu libera. Sa fiu eu!
  Recunosc,sunt o persoana singura si uneori,de cele mai multe ori,singuratatea ma impinge spre gesturi care par nebunesti dar poate tocmai aceste marunte lucuri ma fac sa ma simt...in viata.
  Azi am facut una din aceste nebunii. Si nu regret. Credeam ca voi regreta si am vrut sa ma intorc la jumatatea drumului...dar cum eu sunt incapatanata nu am cedat. Am continuat si m-am indreptat spre un necunoscut.
 Fara sa ma gandesc prea mult ieri l-am intrebat: vrei sa imi arati orasul? A zis da fara ezitare.
Mi-a fost teama sa ma duc dupa el in alt oras si sa ne intalnim dar am decis sa o fac,nu am nimic de pierdut.
  La ora 14:20 eram deja in Manchester...il asteptam. Am inceput sa ma enervez ca nu mai apare si am plecat de cateva ori dar de fiecare data m-am intors si l-am mai asteptat putin. Putin cate putin a trecut aproape o ora.
 I-am dat mesaj ca plec sa ma plimb prin oras fara el,eram obosita si stresata. Chiar are de gand sa ma lase balta? Am avut insa minunata idee de a-i spune incotro ma duc si ce o sa fac. Dupa o plimbare ce mi s-a parut lunga si in acelasi timp prea scurta am intrat sa imi iau ceva de mancare la pachet si sa plec inapoi acasa,era clar,ma lasase balta.
   Asteptand sa iau mancarea vad la fereastra un chip cunoscut. Era el,zambind imi facea cu mana. Surprinsa l-am salutat si i-am facut semn sa ma astepte putin. Inca sunt uimita ca intr-un oras atat de mare a reusit sa ma gaseasca
  Asa a inceput o plimbare lunga....peste 2 ore de mers pe jos printre cladiri gri si imense. Discutii amuzante si plictisitoare in acelasi timp veneau de la amandoi,parca abia ne-am cunoscut desi ne stim de cateva luni bune.
   Nici acum nu imi vine sa cred ca a venit sa ma vada. Nu am crezut ca va fi langa mine. Cand m-am simtit abandonata mi-a dovedit ca ma insel.
   A avut grija sa ma vada mereu zambind si sa ma faca sa ma simt fericita....sa uit macar cateva ore ca sunt departe de familie,sa am macar pentru cateva ore o noua familie.
 Desi pare un copil azi a aratat ca e barbat si stie sa aiba grija de femeia pe care o insoteste.
N-are rost sa povestesc prea multe. A fost...asa cum am stiut in adancul sufletului ca este. Sunt fericita ca il cunosc si ca oricate prostii i-am zis nu s-a indepartat de mine.
  Desi vom fi mereu doar prieteni va ramane mereu important...